An Ocean Not to Break
by vilse
Summary: She wonders what she's done to deserve to want someone this much and not be able to be with him. Joel/Teresa, following the events of "Haystack".
1. Sleep

_A/N: I don't know if anyone will read this or if anyone even remembers Boomtown. I just re-watched the first season and watched the second for the first time. This is just me trying to channel my disappointment that the show got cancelled._

_Joel/Teresa based on what happened up to "The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang". Since I think they did a crap job of capturing what made me love this show for the most part of the second season, I've tried to maintain the atmosphere of the first season in this fic._

**1.**

_**Teresa**_

In the end, she does call him. He told her that she could, that it was something cops – _friends _– did for each other. But she has worked so hard not to become something she despises, that calling him would be nothing short of defeat. But it's just one of those nights, when she can't sleep because the memory of Jankowski's body shows its ugly face every time she closes her eyes.

So she sits on her couch with the phone in hand for almost an hour before pressing "call". She's never made it this far before, and she has absolutely no idea what to say. Her hands are clammy and cold from nerves as she listens to the dial tone. He could be at home, asleep next to his wife. He should be at this hour. Just as she realizes this and is about to hang up, the phone clicks and she hears his voice.

"Joel Stevens speaking."

His voice is tired but not heavy with sleep as she imagined it would be.

"Joel?... Hi, it's me." She hardly recognizes her own voice, and she suddenly feels like slapping herself. 'It's me'? Like he's supposed to know her voice just like that.

"Teresa?" She tries not to think that he's smiling, but something in his voice tells her he is. Then, concern as he says: "Is something wrong?"

"No! No, I just…" she hurriedly says, "... I couldn't sleep. And I thought… well, you said I could call, so…"

"Oh yeah, I did, right. Hang on, just a sec…"

There is a sudden change in the background noise, and she can hear a door closing.

"There. I'm all yours."

Trying her best not to think about Joel being all hers, she says:

"I'm sorry for calling you so late, I didn't realize the time."

"That's okay. I'm still at work."

"Big case?"

"Yeah, it's making us all pull double shifts."

"Oh."

There is a moment's awkward silence in which Teresa seriously doubts her sanity. Then, Joel draws for breath before settling for:

"So… how's training? Finished with the shooting team?"

"Yeah, all done. A few weeks ago, actually."

"You passed, then?"

"Yeah, I did."

She is sure he's smiling now, and congratulates her. Somehow, it means so much more hearing that from Joel. She knows he wasn't all happy about her joining the academy at first, and to be honest, she understood him. Especially since she hadn't told anyone about it, and she supposed it was so far from their view of her, the paramedic meant to save people. So when Joel tells her he thinks she'll make a good cop she can't help but smile.

"So why is it you can't sleep?" he asks suddenly, in a serious tone of voice, and she is reminded that she called him for a reason. "Jankowski?"

"... Yeah."

Joel sighs. "I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you it'll get easier, but it won't. And that's probably good. I'd be worried if you weren't okay, actually."

"Yeah, I suppose. Thanks."

Then there is this wave of self-loathing washing over her, from nowhere. What is she doing? It's been like this for so long now. Joel is always there, if not in physical form then in her mind. He's married and happy and she's calling him in the middle of the night.

"Look, Joel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called."

Any other person might have been confused by her sudden outburst, but Joel understands. He always does.

"But I'm glad you did."

"I just had to talk to someone, you know?" A part of her wants to tell her what she's thinking, that it was really just him she wanted to talk to, but that would be a violation of their carefully planned unspoken rules and a direct danger to the thin line they're more often than not close to crossing.

"It's okay. And I'm happy to be that someone. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

On his end there is the sound of the door opening again, and she hears Fearless' voice in the background and Joel saying "give me a minute" before the door closes again.

"Hey, I gotta go, there's been a breakthrough."

She desperately wants to talk to him more, but is not sure what more there is to say.

"Alright", she says. "Good luck. Thanks for… not being asleep."

Joel chuckles and she smiles despite herself.

"Anytime. Take care of yourself, Teresa."

"You too."

He doesn't hang up immediately, and she knows it's because he likes to talk to her just as much as she likes to hear his voice, but there's that line again. The one that says _cheating _with big black letters. So she snaps her phone shut and stares at it for a whole minute, going through the conversation in her head.

Being with Joel is kind of like a drug, and even though she's never tried anything worse than pot in her life she can relate to nicotine addicts and junkies. She has tried but she can't get rid of him, and there's a large part of her that doesn't want to.

She thinks about Dwight sometimes, tries to remember him, but his face is never as clear as Joel's in her mind. And she's ashamed of that, because she was close to Dwight, closer to him that she's ever been with Joel. There is no tangible reason for her to be able to see Joel's face at will, and recall his touch almost as if it has just happened, when she can't even remember how Dwight looked when he smiled.

It's almost light outside when she finally falls asleep, after three hours of reciting the mantra she's had in her mind ever since she realized Joel was so much more than a friend to her.

_He's a married man. He's a married man. He's a married man._

_**Joel**_

"Who were you talking to?"

Fearless is waiting for him outside the locker room. For a brief moment Joel can hear himself lying to his partner. He could tell him he was talking to his wife, that it was Kelly who had trouble sleeping and not Teresa. But if he did, Fearless would see right through it. And Joel has no reason to lie anyway, right?

"Teresa. She couldn't sleep."

"Mhm."

Joel throws Fearless a sideways glance as they walk down the corridor.

"She was wound up about Jankowski. It really got to her."

Fearless nods. "Yeah, it always does, I suppose. Especially your first."

They stop outside one of the interrogation rooms where the kidnapper they've spent the better part of the week chasing is sitting. Tom and Ray just brought him in.

Joel can feel his partner's eyes on him. He can never be sure how much Fearless knows or how he's figured it out, but for now he stays silent. And when Joel opens the door their only focus is the criminal at hand.


	2. Graduation

**2\. **

**Teresa**

Teresa's graduation day is a particularly hot day in August, in Elysium Park a short walk from the academy. Even though she's relieved the 24 weeks are up, she also knows she has 52 more in front of her that will be even less a walk in the park than the previous.

She listens to the Chief's speech feeling a bit uneasy. She is proud, of course, to be part of this, just as she was proud of being a paramedic. And she can still change her mind should this prove to be a great mistake – her knowledge hasn't been eradicated just because she decided to join the police force.

"... by this community, to maintain order and enforce the law…"

Dwight isn't mentioned in the speech, though Teresa is sure most of her classmates thinks he should be. Chief Johnson probably didn't want to bring up such a gloomy subject, but they'll be sure to toast for Dwight tonight. He was the best recruit in her class.

Her father is here, she can see him in the crowd of friends and relatives. She knows he questions her change of careers but also knows he does his best to be proud of her, and she's thankful. She doesn't need the people close to her questioning her choice when she's already doubtful herself.

Afterwards everyone is hugging like they've known each other for years and not 6 months. Teresa joins in mostly because their joy is so contagious, and just as they throw their caps in the air Teresa thinks that she can feel what they're feeling even though their training is far from over.

As her classmates are scattering to greet their families she scans the crowd for her father. The first person she recognizes is Fearless, though.

"Good work, girl", he says as he hugs her. She has never been hugged by Fearless before but she realizes he is proud of her, too. He smiles at her and pats her back, and when she pulls away, Joel is standing next to him.

"Congratulations, officer Ortiz", he says, smiling.

"Thanks." She realizes she is still smiling from the endorphins throwing your cap in the air seems to induce. Now that smile is meant for Joel and it broadens when he hugs her too. A simple, friendly hug. And still they both know it's more than that. It always is.

"So do you know what division you're going to?" Fearless asks as she sees her father coming towards them.

"Yeah, I'm going to Rampart", she says, still smiling. "Hi, Dad."

Roberto Ortiz kisses his daughter on the cheek.

"I'm very proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Dad."

"And who are these fine young men?"

Teresa rolls her eyes but Fearless laughs and Joel smiles.

"Dad, this is Detective Smith and Detective Stevens. I've told you about them, haven't I?"

"Nice to meet you, Mr Ortiz", Joel says, shaking the older man's hand.

"You're the detectives who saved Teresa and those people in the mall, isn't that right?"

Joel looks at her and she nods, hoping he'll get it. The version she told her father about that incident had a few changes to it, mainly because she didn't want him to worry.

"That's correct, sir", Joel says, and Teresa has this strange feeling that reminds her of being sixteen and introducing her first boyfriend to her parents. She thinks her father would probably disapprove of her infatuation with Joel just as much as he disapproved of her relationship with Eric Jenkins when she was a teenager.

"Well, thank you. I don't know what I would have done without her." Her father puts an arm around her shoulders and she feels like a little girl again, but in a good way. Slightly embarrassed she says:

"Dad…"

"No problem sir, it's our job. And now it's Teresa's, too. She'll make one hell of a cop", Fearless says, grinning mostly at her apparent embarrassment.

While Teresa tries to tell her father that she'd much rather have dinner with him than go out drinking with her classmates, Joel's phone rings. Something important, as it always is, and he and Fearless have to leave.

"We'll see you around then", Fearless says. "Take care, Teresa."

"Yeah, you too. Thanks for coming here."

As her father starts asking questions about her new workplace and what she thinks they should have for dinner, Teresa risks a glance at Joel as he and Fearless walk away. Joel looks back at her, and when he catches her looking, he smiles.

_This is hopeless, _she realizes. _I'm so screwed._


	3. Breakfast

**JenniDDub**: Thanks for reviewing! And yes, this story will be continued. :)

**3.**

**Joel**

He wishes she'd call him again, but at the same time he really doesn't. As long as they keep their distance, nothing can happen, and then he doesn't have to worry about losing control.

When he first realized his feelings for Teresa, it was easy to write them off as a reaction to what Kelly was going through. Not the feelings themselves but the reason behind them. Hadn't McNorris said that, in his drunken slur? "I just wanted somebody to want me, I guess." But now? Joel's marriage is whole again, they're happy, Kelly is happy. And still, every time Teresa comes to mind he's filled with this strong emotion he realizes he hasn't felt in a long time. He dreams about her more often than he'd like to admit, and even though he keeps a close watch of his mind during the day, there are times when he'll slip and she'll be there again.

Is this just an early midlife crisis? (Well, Fearless would say it isn't early at all, just right on time.) He can't even remember if he felt this way about Kelly, this urge to just be close to her at all times and the constant longing. But he supposes he did, he's just forgotten.

Joel Stevens doesn't do these things. Joel Stevens could never be a man who betrays his wife. And still… isn't he doing just that already?

He supposes some things just can't be controlled. It probably doesn't matter how hard he tries to be the perfect husband, because Teresa is not going away. And Kelly might not know about her, but she knows him. And the only time they haven't been able to talk about everything was after their baby died. She knows something is up.

At first he doesn't really notice it. They still have their ups and downs, and since Kelly went back to working part-time again it's been more up than down. Since she recovered from her depression they've been like newlyweds again (apart from having an eight-year-old interrupt intimate moments). So at first, Joel thinks it's just a step back from that phase. A normal stage in any marriage. Marriages have bad years and good years, isn't that what they say?

So when Kelly starts kissing him on the cheek and not on the mouth when he comes home from work, or when she shies away in her sleep when he tries to pull her close, it doesn't bother him as much as it probably should have.

He loves Kelly. And more importantly, he loves his son. But later, he will think about this and know that this was when it started to fall apart.

**Teresa**

Field training is probably the hardest thing Teresa's ever done, but she loves the challenge. Her training officer, Rob Larner, is tough but fair. The hours are long and she comes home every night just wanting to sleep, and when she does, she doesn't even dream about Jankowski. There's no need to call Joel in the middle of the night anymore.

She's not turning into some homewrecker. She has promised herself not to sink that low.

But she doesn't trust herself enough to think that her "we're just friends"-strategy will work forever. They've been too close one time too many. That phone call was just a glitch in her carefully laid plan not to fall in love with Joel (anymore than she already has).

It's funny though, how you think you have everything planned.

It's been one crazy night shift when she walks the two blocks from the station to the diner to get breakfast. She decided one hour into her patrol that if she ends up in traffic division when her training is over, going back to being a paramedic would be a very good thing. Now she's just glad to get out of her sweaty uniform.

She barely even registers when someone says her name as she's trying to decide what to get.

"Teresa!"

She supposes it's because she's tired, but she doesn't even try to feel anxious when Joel approaches her, having just come in from the street. She's just… happy. And he looks as tired as she feels, although smiling.

"Hey." She smiles too. There they are, those damn butterflies. "Night shift?"

"Yeah. Just needed to get some coffee to be able to drive home. You?"

"Mhm. I'd really like to just lay down here on the floor, I'm exhausted."

Joel chuckles.

"Yeah, I remember my rookie days. I've never been so tired."

Of course she can't say no when he suggests they sit down. She blames her sleep addled brain for that. They talk about work for a while, and that friendly half-flirting banter they always slide into after a while is comfortable. Joel has always felt like home to her. And for once, she allows herself to think about how it would feel to sleep next to Joel. Tired as she is, she can't think of anything in the world she would rather want than to be able to do that right now.

He catches her looking at her.

"What?" he says, still smiling. She smiles back and before she has the chance to stop herself, she says:

"I was just wondering what it would be like to sleep next to you."

He's still smiling, but it's a tight, sad smile now. One she often sees when he looks at her. She holds her breath, having realized what she just said. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Yeah, well", he says, sighing. "I try not to think about that."

They look at each other for a second or two, and then Teresa grabs her styrofoam cup and her bagel and gets up to leave.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She surprises herself at the the lack of emotion in her voice, because she's burning up inside. She tries so hard not to meet his gaze.

"Teresa…" He grabs her hand before she can leave. But he doesn't say anything, he just strokes her thumb with his once, and then he lets go. She walks out of there without looking back, though she desperately wants to.

Teresa Ortiz doesn't cry that often. She doesn't cry this late October morning either, but she wonders what she's done to deserve to want someone this much and not be able to be with him.


	4. Shooting

**4.**

**Joel**

He doesn't see Teresa in a while, and he tells himself it's probably for the best. What happened at the diner was enough to send his imagination reeling. What had happened if he'd gone after her when she had left? What if he'd said something else, something not as condescending? While it had been true that he tries not to think about what could happen between them, it doesn't mean that he is successful.

He gets a call one night in early December. Not from Teresa, and he's gotten used to not hoping it's her every time the phone rings. (Seeing as his phone rings several times every day, it proved to be a hard couple of weeks in the beginning.)

"Yeah, Fearless", he says picking up, trying not to notice Kelly's disapproving look. She and Willie are watching tv and he's promised them a night in without emergencies.

"Joel. I think you'd better come in, there's been a robbery in Westlake. Rob Larner got shot and the shop owner's dead."

Kelly is eyeing him from the couch. When he replies "I'll be right there" she looks back at the screen, and he can see her shoulders slump a little. Before Joel have time to feel bad, he realizes that Rob Larner is Teresa's training officer. She'll probably be there.

"Honey, I have to go. There's been a…" he glances at Willie, who is listening intently with disappointment and curiosity etched across his face, "... a few friends of mine are in trouble."

Kelly understands, though. She always does.

The scene is still in chaos, but it's starting to clear up. Fearless is getting a briefing from Ray as Joel approaches, and although Joel is listening intently to what happened it's harder to concentrate than usual. He's good at his job, he really is, but right now he just wants to know if Teresa is okay. More so since Ray tells them she shot one of the robbers.

He spots her then, sitting on the sidewalk, and she has already spotted him. As he excuses himself in the middle of Ray's report, he can hear some grumbling behind him and Fearless telling Ray to mind his own business.

She's upset. Her hands are resting on her knees and they're covered in someone else's blood.

"How's Rob doing?" he asks. She gestures with one hand down the street where the paramedics are tending to him.

"Alright. He's conscious, took a bullet to the shoulder. Through and through."

He really just wants to pull her to him just to check that she's there, but he settles for putting his hand on her shoulder. Rather close to her neck, really, as his fingers are suddenly stroking the soft skin beneath her hairline by themselves. And he can't really stop himself. She doesn't object, and when he reluctantly removes his hand, she gives him a small smile which he returns.

"What happened?"

"We were having coffee just down the block when we heard the shots. When we got here, they were getting out and into a car. We called out and one of them got a shot out before he got into the car. It hit Rob."

The pauses to breathe, and Joel says:

"Do you remember what car? Plates?"

"Yeah. Dark blue Honda. One of the tail lights were broken. I didn't get the plates." She looks up at him, and for a moment he doesn't do his job and only thinks about her eyes. It's gone the second when he looks down to take notes. "I hit one of the other guys and he fell down. The others drove off before he had a chance to get in."

"They didn't want someone to slow them down, probably."

Teresa shakes her head. "I checked to see if Rob was okay and when he was I went to check on the perp."

Joel looks up. He had thought the blood on her hands was just Rob's.

"I kicked his gun away and started CPR", Teresa continues. "I tried to stop the bleeding but it was too late." He notices that small change in her voice telling him she's not as calm about it as she wants him to think. He knows her well, he realizes. Joel scratches his neck.

"You should have just waited for the paramedics, Teresa", he says. Her brow furrows.

"You know I couldn't. Once you've been a paramedic..."

"Yeah. But next time, try to stick to being a cop", Fearless says, having appeared behind Joel. Teresa gives him a lethal look and Joel can't help but smile a little. Both he and Teresa stand up.

"Thanks, Fearless. Next time I see someone bleeding out in the street I won't be as quick to try and save their lives."

"I'm just saying", Fearless shrugs, "you're a cop now, and the guy he was with just shot your partner. I would've been less forgiving." He looks pointedly at Joel, like he's daring Teresa to think about Joel getting shot.

"Are you trying to quit smoking again?" Teresa asks acidly, and Fearless huffs and is about to say something he's going to regret, Joel can tell.

"Alright, that's all we needed, Teresa. You go take care of your partner."

Fearless is right. Especially being a rookie, Teresa should have waited for the paramedics before closing in on the perp. But Joel also knows that this is not the right moment to remind her of that, because she's a rookie who just shot and killed a man. Even seasoned cops have second thoughts about stuff like that. And Joel saw her after the shooting at the mall – Teresa is tough, and she's easing into being a cop, but she'll go home tonight and not be able to sleep.

Teresa gives Fearless one last glare, and then looks at Joel, instantly more friendly but still troubled.

"Thanks, Joel. See you around."

"I'll call you", he says, and Teresa smiles at him before she walks away towards the ambulance preparing to leave.

It's totally innocent to call each other. Teresa is his friend and he really wants to to know she's alright.

But when they walk back towards the scene, it's the first time Fearless gives him that look. Not judging, but knowing.


	5. Coffee

_A/N:_

_I have no excuses._

**5.**

**Teresa**

It's been a long time since they had coffee together, other than that strange morning at the diner. When she was still in the academy it became sort of a habit, but then they got too close again and both knew they needed to keep their distance. Like after that night when she had milk and ice cream and they came so close to kissing she can't even think about it clearly. Without having to say much they stayed away from each other after that, at least for a while.

Joel said he'd call her and he keeps that promise. She knows he wants to check in on her after what happened the other night, and she appreciates that. So she sits on a park bench on her day off, reads a newspaper, and waits for Joel.

She has absolutely no idea what the newspaper says. Instead she's thinking about what her father said last night when he called to see how she was doing. She doesn't know what brought up the subject, but it was probably one of her dad's usual voicings of how she shouldn't be alone all of the time.

"I'm not alone", she tried telling him. "I've got friends."

"You know what I mean, Teresa."

She had sighed and tried to avoid the question, but her dad had persisted.

"I'm not blind, sweetheart. I know you have a sweet spot for that detective."

No, her dad was most definitely not blind. He might be getting older but he had always known what was going on, sometimes even before Teresa figured it out herself. She had been glad, then, that her father couldn't see her turn red. But she had known that there was no point in denying it.

"He seems like a good man."

Teresa had sighed. "He's married, dad."

"I know that. I saw the ring." He father had paused, and Teresa had taken a deep breath because she thought she knew what was coming. "I know you're a good girl, Teresa. Don't go stepping into something you can't control. You don't deserve being someone's distraction."

It's one thing trying to make sense of things yourself. But hearing someone else say those words had made Teresa's eyes sting, and she had finished the call soon after that.

She knows that her dad is right, and she knows she should just stay away from Joel before they cross that invisible line completely. But she can't. And he doesn't seem to know how to either.

She's so deep in thought she doesn't notice Joel until he sticks a cup of coffee in front of her face. When she looks up, he's smiling. She attempts to keep her heart from doing little backflips of joy.

"I said your name three times, you know."

"You counted?"

"Yeah."

He sits down next to her and nods to the newspaper.

"Anything interesting?"

Teresa looks down at it like it's the first time she's seen it.

"I wouldn't know. I wasn't really paying attention."

She meets his gaze a bit reluctantly, since she knows he can all but read her mind. But he smiles, and she decides not to think about the sadness in that smile. It's still a smile meant for her.

They drink their coffee and at first they don't talk about what happened the other night. She has talked about it enough already - the investigation is still ongoing and her commanding officer sent her to the division shrink to "work things out". Teresa has absolutely no intention of telling that guy anything of importance - she has the strangest sensation that he looks at her like she's bait.

Joel tells her about Willie's latest achievements on the baseball field. She listens and remembers that she hasn't seen Willie since before the incident with the ice cream – another sign of Joel's attempts of keeping himself at a distance. She liked Willie. She doesn't want to destroy his life, she tries to remind herself. It's always easier when she thinks of Willie.

"How's Kelly doing?" she hears herself ask, and Joel averts his gaze. Almost flinching, she thinks.

"She's fine," Joel says, and there's something behind his words Teresa can't read. "Everyone's fine."

Everyone's not fine, she wants to say. We're not fine. I can see that you're not fine, Joel.

In a motion that feels so natural she barely register that she's doing it, she moves her hand a few inches and laces her fingers over his on the bench. Touching. That's all she needs. It has to be. Joel sighs but doesn't move his hand, and her insides are terrifying jumble of good and bad. She loves this man. She has no choice. Her mind won't let her stop loving him, and maybe she's egoistic but sometimes she has the right to. Holding hands is all they're doing, they can't go further than that.

Right.


	6. Drunk

_A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing._

**6.**

_**Joel**_

He knows that getting drunk is a bad idea. He knows this especially because he hasn't thought of anything but the memory of Teresa's hand in his for the last month, and now, after a couple of drinks too many, he can't get the thought of having all of her there with him out of his mind.

"Fearless." He states his partner's name and looks him in the eye. "You know what I'm thinking about?"

It's almost eleven p.m. and Fearless is not nearly as drunk as Joel is. This is almost always a good thing, but right now Joel would need some drunken advice and not this almost-sober look he's getting.

"Yeah, I know what you're thinking about, Joel. She's got brown eyes and ain't your wife."

Joel closes his eyes.

"You're not supposed to know that."

"It's kinda hard to miss the way you look at her." Fearless takes the last swig of his drink and leans back in his armchair. It's not like Joel to make social calls like this, but he needed something to do after Kelly and Willie left for Kelly's sister Susan for the weekend. He would have come, too, but Kelly said she needed some "alone time". And as he had tried to tell himself that this was perfectly natural, he needed something to occupy him on his night off. Something other than calling Teresa for an "innocent" coffee on a Friday night. Sitting in Fearless' motel room drinking cheap scotch seemed to be a good alternative.

"Does Kelly know?"

Joel sighs. "I don't know. Sometimes I think she does, but sometimes... It's not like anything's happened."

"So you're just in love with her, then?" Fearless says, and Joel tries to throw him annoyed glance. Unfortunately, in his drunken state, he can't help but smile, too. Fearless sighs. "This is screwed up."

Joel groans and puts his head in his hands. "I know. I just... I don't know what to do. I thought I had it under control but we just seem to be getting closer. I can't stop thinking about her."

Fearless looks at him but doesn't say anything, and Joel wonders if it was a mistake to confide in him like this. After all, they've managed things in the past without saying much about it - it's been one of their strengths as partners, being able to know things about each other without that many words. Perhaps this is as far as they will go in this case. So Joel stands up a bit too fast and stumbles before he can stand up straight, grabbing the back of the chair he just sat in. "Alright, forget about it. I'll just sleep this off and everything'll be fine."

"You're drunk, man. I'll get you a cab, you can come get your car tomorrow." Fearless picks up his phone and dials, and Joel can't really complain because he was a lot more intoxicated than he thought he would be.

Fearless pats him on the back as Joel is about to leave.

"It's gonna work out, you just have to let it run its course."

Joel wants to ask what it is that will run its course exactly. If it's his marriage or his infatuation with Teresa that is about to reach some kind of conclusion. But obediently he gets into the cab heading home, although without any intention of going home at all.

.

_**Teresa**_

Getting drunk has never really been Teresa's thing. She needs to be in control of things, and it's been that way ever since she was a girl - the buzz just doesn't do it for her. In the back of her mind there's always been that good girl talking. _What if somebody needs to go to the hospital. What if someone gets hurt. What if I let something happen to them just because I got drunk._

So needless to say, she is a little embarrassed right now. It was just supposed to be a couple of beers with her squad from the academy, for old times' sake. But either her tolerance isn't that high or she forgot how to count because she has trouble standing straight as she fumbles for her house keys outside her door. She suspects the colorful drinks that Miller got them might have something to do with this, too. It's not even midnight and she's too drunk to stand straight. Cursing under her breath, she leans against the wall while continuing to rifle through her purse.

"What're you looking for?"

She turns her head sharply at the sound of his voice. She must be more drunk than she thought - she would have heard him coming otherwise. But Joel is suddenly standing there, leaning against the railing of the access balcony, looking a bit disheveled but with a smile bigger than she's seen in ages. She wonders briefly how he knows where she lives, but decides she doesn't care.

"Keys", she says, while at the same time emerging triumphant from her purse with the keys between her fingers. She smiles, too, and looks at him. "Hi, Joel."

"Hi, Teresa."

They smile goofily at each other for a couple of seconds, and some part of her mind is telling her that she's supposed to feel troubled about this, that she's supposed to stop smiling and ask Joel what he's doing there. Ask him why he's not at home with his wife and son. But she's drunk and she doesn't care. For once in her life she is tired of caring.

Which is why she unlocks her door and says "come in", and it's also why she suddenly has Joel Stevens standing in the middle of her messy living room. Between working and sleeping, she's had little energy left, not enough for cleaning anyway since she barely has any visitors. He hasn't taken his jacket off but she shrugs hers off, placing it in a heap by the door. Glancing at the back of his neck, she doesn't even try to suppress the dizziness. She's not sure if it's from the alcohol or Joel.

"Nice place", he says, looking around awkwardly.

"Thanks", she chortles. It's really not, and Joel is really bad at small talk. When he turns around to look at her she can see that he's still smiling.

Suddenly he has taken a step forward and is closer than before. Her breath is gets caught in her throat and she swallows. He's taller than she is - she has to look up to meet his gaze. She can smell the alcohol on him and his eyes are a bit unfocused.

Warning lights are supposed to go off, but they don't.

Joel brings his right hand up to cup her face and brushes away her hair with his left, and she closes her eyes. Breathes. Tries to calm her beating heart but knows it's useless.

"What are you doing?" she whispers, still with closed eyes, and is suddenly closer to him than she's ever been - he has taken another small step forward and his body is flush against hers.

"I don't know", is his reply. "What I've wanted to do since I met you."

She looks at him then, searching for some kind of sign that this is all a dream, some kind of drunken fantasy.

_What about your family._

_What about your wife._

His lips are soft against hers.


	7. Daylight

_A/N: It makes me so happy to know I'm not the only one shipping these two. Please R&amp;R!_

**7.**

Somewhere in the room, there's a really large fly buzzing, and a very annoying spotlight is apparently pointed straight at her face. Teresa squints at the daylight and turns over to face the wall, only to suddenly come into contact with the other occupant of her bed.

The feeling of slight nausea mixes with sudden panic as realization dawns on her. _Joel. _Joel, in her bed. Only inches away from her.

A few seconds pass before she realizes that she is fully dressed, and that he is, too. He is still asleep, looking surprisingly peaceful with his head on her pillow. They fell asleep lying closer to each other, but she has never been that cuddly when sleeping.

There's that buzzing again, and she realizes that it's not a fly but a cellphone. Hers is lying silent on the bedside table, so it must be Joel's. He doesn't seem to be waking up though, and she needs a minute to think things through. Her head is pounding, she's still wearing her jeans and top from last night, and Joel is in her bed. But nothing happened, apparently.

It hits her like a ton of bricks. The memory of his lips and his feverish touch is suddenly as clear as day. Joel outside her door, Joel in her living room, Joel pressing her against the wall, kissing her.

He had tugged at the hem of her shirt, and it had been like she was suddenly completely sober – at least her conscience, anyway. She had broken the kiss, and still panting a little she had looked him in the eye.

"Joel, you're drunk. Think about Kelly."

And somehow, she had transferred her dread to him. It had been like watching a light go out, and Joel had frozen. In that moment she had hated herself. She had hated her conscience and the fact that she just wanted to kiss him again, and she had hated the fact that she had allowed things to go this far. Kelly's name had seemed to burn her throat.

Sitting up and swinging her legs over the side of the bed, careful not to wake up Joel, Teresa remembers Joel giving her that too familiar look, that apologetic, heavy-hearted one she had received so many times before.

"I shouldn't have come here", he had said, stepping away from her. "I- I'm sorry. I should just go."

"No, wait." Teresa had grabbed his wrist, knowing it was probably a bad idea but still not willing to let him just walk away. "You can stay."

Joel had smiled, that tight, unhappy smile.

"That's a very bad idea."

"I know, I just… Just hold me, alright?"

She had thought she sounded pathetic, but still Joel had nodded after a few second's hesitation, and (she supposed) because he was still drunk, he had let himself be led to the bed where he lay down next to her. He had hesitatingly put his arms around her. None of them had bothered to pull the sheets up. They had fallen asleep like that, and the last thing Teresa remembers is the feeling of Joel's arms around her as she had tried her best not to cry. Drunkenly sobbing had seemed to be a bad way of falling asleep.

Now, her hangover mixes with the stuffy feeling after having slept in her jeans, so she wriggles her way out of them and retrieves a pair of sweatpants from the floor, puts them on and walks barefoot out into the kitchen for some water.

She has no idea where this leaves them, and tries to suppress the thick fear forming in the pit of her stomach. What if he never wants to see her again? She wishes her memories of his embrace were clearer so that she could have something to hold on to, but there's this drunken haze covering it now. After gulping down an entire glass of water her head clears a little, but it only seems to make her see the whole situation more clearly: Joel cheated on Kelly. They might have stopped it before anything worse happened, but they still crossed the line.

She can hear his phone going off again, and this time it's followed by the rustle of the bed sheets and the creaking of the bed as Joel tries to find his phone.

"Hello?... Yeah, 'course I'm hungover… Fearless, you know this is my day off, right?" There is a short pause, and then: "I'll be right there."

Teresa holds her breath as Joel appears in the doorway. Even hungover and disheveled, he's still handsome. He runs his hand over his face and appears to have a hard time looking at her.

"Hi", she says, and gets a sudden flashback from last night. _Hi, Joel._

"Look, Teresa…"

She knows what this means.

"You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry."

Joel sighs. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come, I was drunk, I shouldn't have brought you into this."

"Don't you think I've brought myself into this just as much?" she says, a bit annoyed. She takes a deep breath before saying: "It's not like I've managed to not fall in love with you."

She knows it's a bad idea to say exactly what she's thinking, but at the same she knows why she has to say it: she has grown so tired of carrying this feeling around and not be able to tell anyone. She can tell her words has some kind of impact on Joel, but not exactly what. He just looks at her with that unreadable expression. It might be surprise, or sadness.

"I've gotta go."

"Yeah."

She tries to keep her voice cool but fails. Joel looks like he is about to walk up to her but stops himself. He just shakes his head, and without looking at her, he picks up his jacket from the floor and leaves.

**Joel**

"_Have you ever strayed from your marriage?"_

Joel remembers that conversation perfectly. McNorris, in his car, confessing. But Joel isn't that Eagle Scout that McNorris made him out to be: he wasn't then and he certainly isn't now.

His headache has increased by the time he gets to the station after having picked up his car, and he barely uses sunglasses but today it seems like the best thing ever invented by man. He tries to block Teresa from his mind but she's unavoidably there, just like last night – and his cold sweat is probably just as much a result of the alcohol as from guilt. Teresa is in love with him.

No, definitely not an Eagle Scout.

"This couldn't wait?" he says as he approaches Fearless' desk.

"I'm sorry, man. Hicks wanted everyone to be here." Fearless gives him a once-over and continues: "You slept in that, didn't you."

It's not a question, and this is also the first time Joel detects what could be judging in Fearless' voice. Joel decides not to answer.

He finds it hard to listen as Captain Hicks speaks about their latest breakthrough in the case. Partly because of the hangover, but mostly because the look on Teresa's face this morning is still fresh in his mind. He had seen his own guilt mirrored in her – there was no excuse for what they had done, and even if some would say that they didn't actually _do _anything… it was still cheating.

And then she had said those words.

"_It's not like I've managed to not fall in love with you."_

As he watches Hicks go through the rest of the briefing, Joel realizes that he probably started cheating a long time ago.


End file.
